I was discussing chivalry in a previous article and how it changed in the last decades.
Personally, I believe a man should always be a gentleman not only while dating, in a relationship, engaged, or married for a long time. Every woman must be treated with respected.
However, I will refer more to the dating chapter in this article as dating is a critical and defining step that leads to all the other serious stages of a serious relationship.
And if dating is done wrong, well, what’s the point of moving on and wasting your time with someone that is not capable of treating you right.
What is really pissing me off here is that men are not capable of doing basic and fundamental common sense things for us anymore. The worst part being that many of us accept their treatment.
Because if they don’t treat us right, we always have the option of leaving or making a point. But … Do we?
When this happened to me, I used to disappear most of the times, but I should have said something even if it didn’t matter. To a few, I did, and nothing changed. But I think we should communicate what is wrong no matter if they care or not. Things need to be said as otherwise they will think it’s ok and keep on doing the same wrong things over and over again.
The way I see it – If men can’t put in some effort in the early stages of dating, if they can’t allocate some time to be creative to impress, then my genuine question is What can I expect later on?
Yes, I know gentlemen will jump and say, but they are too emancipated and they can do everything by themselves or maybe they are too available. I agree with this statement up to a certain extent. Yes, we are more empowered, we have more freedom, and we can do whatever we want, but before we even went out on a date, you don’t know me, you have no idea who I am, so please just give it a F****** try before you put a label on me.
I remember I used to date a guy, and he was texting me at 6 pm
Him – “Let’s go Out.”
Me – I can’t I have plans. You should have told me yesterday or in the morning.
Him – “Yes but you are single.”
Me: haha …. Yeah but If I am single, I have a life, and I am not glued to my mobile to wait for you to text … like duh!
Another one is texting me at 12 am on a Thursday night.
Him – I will pick you up in 20 min let’s go to a yacht party.
Me – (in my mind) I was like, wow, he really thinks that I am all dressed up waiting for a call in front of the door … Jesus Christ!
Another one was not communicating with me and expecting me to text first. Eventually, he texts saying.
Him – “You don’t say anything.”
Me – “Neither do you.”
I complain he is not putting any effort and that he is a man and he should initiate more etc.
Later that week, when he was taking me home from our date, he told me with a stupid smile on his face:
Look I am taking you home. I am putting up efforts.
In my mind, I said Jesus, it’s basic but I stupidly smiled at him just because I didn’t want to get into an unnecessary argument. I was tired. But was it right not to say anything?
Him – “Hey let’s have dinner together at my place.”
Me – Sure – (sounded really nice)
Him – What do you want to eat?
Me – Anything except fast food
So I get to his place with a bottle of wine and he is not there … The house is empty and unlocked. So I go in and wait. 5 minutes later, the doorbell rings. It’s a delivery guy with 2 shawarma. I paid 60 Dhs.
He comes as well a few minutes later like a lost butterfly while still on his mobile
Him – Oh hey, you are here …
Me – aaaa yeah, there was nobody, the house was open. Ah, and btw the food came. It’s ok I paid … duh!
Him – A sure ok …
I didn’t want that money back, I didn’t care about that shitty food :))) but you got my point, right?
The above are just some examples. Nice, huh?
If you happen to be in situations like this, please don’t waste too much of your time.
But here comes the flip side.
I complained to one of my girlfriends, telling her some of the stories. She told me l Iris you have too many expectations. I swear to God, for a minute, I even doubted myself. But it only took me a minute and I was like Nope – F*** that! Especially when it comes to basic things that a guy should do for a girl, this is me and what I want. If you can’t be bothered to put in some effort – GoodBye.
But what triggered me more was what she told me, and even if I love her to death, she is the type of woman she would never let a guy pay for her drinks, or she is ok not to be picked up for a date and so on.
Therefore I say – If we complain that men are not that chivalrous anymore and this art got lost during the last decades maybe something changed with women as well, don’t you think? And as a result this also had an impact on male behavior towards us.
So, How Did We Change Ladies?
- We are treated low and accept it. I was one of them.
- We are always available. I was …
- We don’t complain nor communicate what bothers us. I used to disappear and not say anything.
- We don’t ask for much and settle with less. I thought it was ok to receive what I it was offered.
- We are more independent, which is great, but we don’t let guys do nice thighs for us based on the principle I can do it all anyway or even worse, I can hold my own door or I can pay for my wine. Come on, ladies, let him hold the door for you, it won’t make you less of a woman …
Another sad reality is that nowadays, women just have less value and become cheaper. To be very transparent, I haven’t been better and made my share of mistakes. I accepted too much for too little. I compromised to get crumbs in return. I was easily available, and I said yes too many times. I’ve made myself free in the middle of the night without prior notice …
And it’s ok. I am not sorry as I did what I felt under those circumstances, but I changed things drastically in the last few years and learned my lessons.
So I am not pretending to write from the perspective of a saint but from the perspective of a girl that made a lot of mistakes and made stupid decisions, but I want better for myself in the future and for the other girls.
I said what I said above because I think standards come from your self-worth and from how much you value yourself as a woman. How much you are willing to compromise on you being treated in the right way.
We have to reshape the way we think and how we set our expectations and standards. It is simple mathematics. We accept less. We will get less. We ask for more, and we will get more. And if we don’t get more, we are done and move on.
Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well. (Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/truth-expectations-relationships/)
My Advice To You Is Based On The Same Principles That I Follow:
- Know your worth and what you want. If you are in doubt, it’s ok. It took me 30 years+ to start understanding what it’s good for me and 40 to get where I wanted to be. And I am still making mistakes and learning, but I am in a better place.
- Don’t allow anybody to waste your time.
- Have faith in you
- Respect yourself
- Clearly communicate what bothers you and what you want or what you stand for
- Set your boundaries
- Don’t be afraid you’ll set the bar too high. In the end, it is also self-respect you have towards yourself. If you don’t love yourself or respect yourself, who will?
- Behave like a lady with class, attitude, and confidence but don’t forget to be sweet and feminine at the same time.
High standards are like a shield that eventually protects you from low-quality experiences.
What are your standards?