man looking away

When Men Are Emotionally Unavailable
It's not you. It's me.

I can’t tell you the number of times I have dealt with emotionally unavailable men.

So many times in the last 20 years. It’s like the same old story repeating and repeating all over again like a broken record.

Same lines, same attitude, same excuses, same drama, same lame shit. 

And when men are emotionally unavailable, the most used and overused line and the easiest to pull out is the famous – It’s not you. It’s me. Because this would make things easier … damn! 

And you know what the worst part is? To hear: You are perfect, there is nothing wrong with you, you are so amazing, you seem to be the one. But the whole problem is with me, and I can’t do this.

Basically: IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME! WTF! I personally can’t hear this anymore. And I am sure I am not the only one in this situation. My girlfriends are going through the same and many other women I talk to.

Just to be fair, girls do it as well. When I gave this line, IT’S NOT YOU. IT’ S ME was a lie. I wanted to sugarcoat the situation, and maybe I didn’t wanna hurt your feelings. Or I don’t have the guts to tell you how I really feel because sometimes I am a coward. Or I just don’t feel like getting into over-explaining because it’s not worth it, or I just don’t care. 

Is it the same or different for men? 

I Can Only Think Of 3 Valid Reasons.

  1. It is actually you, but he won’t say it because he is a nice guy and won’t hurt your feelings, or he is an asshole and wants out real fast.
  2. It’s not really you, but anything else you could think of from an old ex that messed him up, or perhaps he might be focused on other things. 
  3. He wants to be alone. He needs space and time to figure things out. 

I truly appreciate a guy that has the balls to tell you the truth in your face and communicate with you. Because some just disappear, and in the best case, they will throw an excuse, or you will never hear anything again. 

So let’s frame this differently. 

During our lives, we all have different kinds of relationships. Some are great, some are amazing, some are average, and some are fucked up. The last ones happen because we deal with crazy people who mess up things that impact us.

I mean, look at my story with the Psycho. A young, immature, and innocent version of myself stayed there for almost seven years and took the shit of a psychopath.

Eventually, when I woke up and put an end to it, thank God I was strong enough to understand that that does not serve me and long term, it will destroy me. So when I was out, instead of being afraid of meeting other men, I was the opposite because I knew he was terrible and there must be a lot of good men out there.

So I had a lot of hope. I learned my lessons, and I was so happy and eager to live my life and find remarkable men. And I was right. 

But men are not built the same way. Sometimes I laugh, thinking they will start crying if you hit them with a flower. Sorry guys, but you are so sensitive. And sometimes a little too much. 

The Question Is, How Do We Recover And How Fast?
I often try to understand why the healing process is so different. Why do men need a longer time frame to process and women less? 

Women move on much faster. We all need to take some time to recover but statistically speaking, women heal better and differently. And they still look for ways to build their nest.

Men need time. A loooonng time, healing, and of course, they do so much overthinking. 

As strong as they are, they are the metamorphosis of a scared bunny in the body of a roaring lion. All you can see on the outside is strong male energy, masculinity, strength, but as you go deeper, you will be surprised to discover that they are scared, overwhelmed, and panicked.

I don’t know if it is right to say they are weaker. I know some might feel offended, and this is not my intention. I am with you and I am just analyzing facts and looking for answers. Well, I have some answers already, but I am just digging a little deeper. 

The truth is that men and women come from very different planets when it comes to many things. And healing after a toxic relationship is one of them.

By the way, I don’t support crazy women that fuck guys up. The jealous, insecure ones. Or the cheaters. Because they tear them apart, and when they find someone genuine and good, they can’t move on. They need more time. More understanding. More … everything. 

In A Nutshell

We need time as well to grief. We lose trust and are more careful when we meet the next person. But women dare to throw themselves out there, give their faith again, and give it another chance.

There is always a risk of getting burned in our world, and relationships and marriage are a lottery. There is no rule, no promise. No guarantee.

And yes, we also can come up with this line that I utterly hate. It’s not you. It’s me.

They need at least triple the time that we need. They need more care, assurance, guarantees, and even so, they might easily back off if they meet someone else.
When they are done , these men are usually split into two categories: 

  1. The ones who have the guts to say it at a very early stage can’t do it and say it in your face, and I totally respect that. 
  2. And the cowards that just run away without any explanation because “you can figure it out by yourself.” Obviously, I have zero appreciation for the last ones. 



Once it’s done, it’s pretty much done. Most of the time, a man might get back to you. Personally, I might give it another chance. But it’s very risky as if he was not sure once, how do I know he is sure after. And playing the ping-pong game is not an option. 


Don’t ask for too much. You have the right to ask for an explanation because you need to understand why.

Otherwise, just let it go. The worst thing is to start begging and clinging to him like he is your last hope in life. Have some dignity, and besides that, why would you insist on someone that clearly doesn’t want you.


I am sorry, but there is no room for friendship most of the time. Someone told me, let’s stay friends. Friends and what do you do? Meet for coffee? Bring other “people” with us when we go out? I mean, it’s not impossible, but it is not a good idea most of the time. 
I mean, I talk to some of my exes, and that’s ok, but obviously, the reason we broke up was not that they were emotionally unavailable.

Moral of the Story – It’s not you. It’s me – can mean nothing or can mean everything. When you have to deal with this, just let it go. It’s good to try to talk to understand what is going on because it will help you assess the situation better, and there might be a lesson for you to learn.

But when there is no place to talk, forget it. It’s not for you. And never ever think there’s something wrong with you. Especially when you are at peace with yourself and know you did things the right way.

It’s not you. It’s me… just another lame excuse.


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