From the chapter “what we do wrong”, being too comfortable comes from the need of being loved, desired, wanted, and getting the attention we are all looking for.
Also, misunderstanding the intentions of a not-so-serious guy. So I have a lot of sympathy for us women doing this. However, it is the wrong way of being if you want things to be serious with a man.
When interested in a guy, many of us become very accessible and forget who we truly are and what we stand for. It’s an easy trap. We meet a guy, we like him, start dating, become intimate, and boom. Sometimes, we don’t even really date and jump over this step which only makes things worse.
It also took me a long time to realize I was making this mistake as I was doing it by default with certain guys. If I think about it now, it was mainly the bad boys that we all like so much. In my brain, I was thinking that I also have my advantages and that I am not just being used, but I am using as well and that eventually, things will turn the way that I envision. Wrong.
I was not the one pulling the strings; it was them, and I was accepting it.
Things That We Do That Make Us (Very) Comfortable For Them:
- Being there all the time
- Meet or talk when it’s convenient for him
- Accept his late-night booty calls
- Being available for his reschedules
- Accept if they cancel anything that was already planned
- Being always there to chat and of course, reply fast
- Become exclusive when he is actually not
- Cancel other plans when he texts.
I used to be all the above.
Deep down, we hope that by doing what I was talking about, we will eventually receive more, and things will get in the right direction. They don’t … rarely, but most of the time not.
When We Find Ourselves In Such Situations, There Are Only Two Ways.
- Either we level up, and obviously, 99% of them will disappear, or 1% will take action. I wouldn’t count much on that 1% either.
- We keep going, and it will be a never-ending story with whining and complaints.
Did you notice that being comfortable for them comes with a high dose of frustration? … for us. Because being too available and at his disposal, anytime will only allow him to set the rules.
And what does that make us? Puppets that are glued to our phone, hoping and praying that he will give us some attention.
And I don’t even blame the guys. If they give us little and this is what we tolerate, this is what we will get.
We think we are in control and that things are also the way we want because we feel like we use them. Being in control actually means standing up and raising your standards.
Doing as he pleases when he pleases means giving up our control.
I also understand why we are doing this and why we are accepting so little. First of all, we underestimate ourselves.
Second, because we think he is what we are looking for: he is handsome, great in bed, we like talking to him, he makes us feel safe, he occasionally cooks for us, etc. And by being comfortable and accommodating, we think things will eventually work out.
Plus, his excuses become ours. If he is too busy, we think, “poor him, he works so much”. If he is too tired, “he has too many commitments”. If he is unavailable, “he is so stressed” If he is upset “he has so much on his plate”’ Excuses, excuses excuses.
Well, we are far from wise. And I was not better.
But to be appreciated and respected, we must raise our standards.
Too comfortable, too convenient, too accessible, and too available means no long-term future with someone.
So do you feel frustrated? Have you been doing this for a long time, are you fed up but don’t know where to start?
Here Is My Advice, Something That I Kept Repeating To Myself As Well:
- Take a good look in the mirror and realize how fabulous you are in and out. Think of the woman that you are and think how much more you deserve.
- Talk to him. I believe in communication. Even if it sometimes doesn’t solve anything, you will feel much better after. Tell him how you feel, and it will be interesting as you will also see his reactions. You might be surprised he might have something that you didn’t expect to say. Note: I don’t recommend jumping on with complaints or requests as nobody likes a needy woman but just have an honest, relaxed conversation with him over a glass of wine.
- Generally speaking, Stop doing this. Learn your lesson. Move on. Don’t repeat the same mistakes again. I know it is hard but give it a try.
- Make sure you have a busy life, and you are not hanging on to him. Have a career, meet other people, go out with your friends, pursue your hobbies, travel, go shopping, and buy all the high heels in Dubai Mall … girl, whatever makes you happy 🙂
- Remember – There is always someone there “in-store” for you. A certain someone that will respect and cherish you because you will not be too comfortable anymore.
Are you too comfortable?